Music in the Mail

I have the bestiest best bestie that ever bested. I got the cutest and most rockawesome music care package in the mail. It has the coolest note card with it, two awesome CD's and a wallet masquarading as a mix tape! I seriously have not stopped listening to the "Folkstravaganza!-A Mix of Unequaled Awesomeness." It's on constant play on my way to work and on my way to sleep. It has all kinds of folk awesomeness (er...hence the name). #7 "White Blank Page" by Mumford & Sons has seriously stolen my heart.*

As has the gorgeous and sexy and lovely Jamie.** Seriously, she is the best. Also, Jamie, start your blog NOW! Cause all my 1 reader will totally read your blog too. ;)

*I wish I were web savy enough to be able to embed a music player thingy that way I could share it with you!

**And seriously, Jamie is so freakin' awesome. Like, for reals.

~HM~

(A re-blog from my Myspace)

January 15, 2008

Change

I’m finally getting to the point in my life where I feel like an adult. And not in an "old crotchety, dang I have to pay the bills way" although I do sometimes feel like that. Yesterday was a day when I felt like I could make a difference. That I'm not just in the world, but that I can change it. Ever since 3^rd grade that was my goal. To change the world. It all started because of an Earth Day project and I was appalled by pollution. It then became my life goal to clean up the Earth. Since then that thought has evolved into cleaning up the earth in every sense of the word. Clean up the pollution, the hatred, the stupidity, and the ignorance.

Yesterday I had the privilege to substitute teach for a 1st grade class. When I came into the class the kids were at lunch. After recess I brought them in and had them sit on the carpet. I introduced myself and immediately got a welcoming cheer because I would be their sub for the rest of the day.

Our first lesson together was to learn about Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Which first entailed having them chant his name so they could get it right. Despite my efforts many of them were still saying "Muther King Jr." Before I started to read the book on his life, I asked the class if any of them had heard of him before. Some of them said yes. When I asked what he did and why we were learning about him one little girl said, "He got shot." And that was pretty much the extent of their knowledge.

So I as I began to read the book, it dawned on me that this was probably the first time these kids have ever heard about what this great man did. What he stood for. This was probably the first time that some of them have ever heard that a man believed in peace instead of war. (And God knows these kids have heard the word war more times than the word peace in their young lives).

This was the first time that they ever heard of the name and woman Rosa Parks. And that she was arrested for not giving up her seat (After some clarification that she did not in fact arrest the white man because he wanted her seat.) That this is the first time they have ever heard the word segregation. That this is the first time they have ever heard "I have a dream that one day, in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers." When I got to the part where it said Dr. King was shot, it was so silent.

How amazing and powerful a lesson that was.

Later in the day I had duty on the field. I saw one of my favorite students. I subbed for him when he was in first grade and again this year for second. He's a bit of an outcast amongst his peers. He's a little chubby and wears glasses and just can't find a connection with the kids his age. I saw him trying to join in on some games and predictably the kids would repeatedly run away from him.

Finally when he was in ear shot I said hello and asked how his day was going. We started talking. I told him I really liked his Star Wars shirt. He then told me all about it. That he got it for Christmas and that it glows in the dark. We then discussed our favorite Star Wars characters and I teased him about liking Count Dooku because he was a bad guy. This made him laugh and then he said he also likes good guys like Anakin Skywalker. As we were talking I was walking around the field making sure the other kids weren't killing eachother. As we walked he put his hand on the crook of my elbow. And we walked and talked. Finally the bell rang and he went back to his class.

It breaks my heart that this young boy has to grow up in a world were kids are unkind just because they can be. It breaks my heart that all he wants is for someone to acknoledge him and let him know that what he says has importance. That he has something to say worth saying. I hope that my small kindness, our small chat lets him know that he matters. That he belongs in this world.

After I subbed I then went to my second job at Starbucks. One of the girls I work with came in with her little girl who is I think less than a year old. She is probably the happiest less than one year old child I have ever met. She looks at you with these joyous eyes just waiting for you to smile at her so that she can smile back at you. Its really the neatest thing. She also just learning to point at things and that this gesture will get her things.

So as I was standing at the espresso bar her mom was holding her. She was pointing at all the steamed milk and cups. I had an idea. I got a piece of ice and held it up to her hands. She tentively touched the ice with her small fingertips. Immediately she looked at me with such surprise and wonder. Her little mouth made a little 'o' shape. She continued to touch the ice and kept looking at her mom and me with that same little expression. Slowly the ice melted and she looked at me like "Well, that was unexpected."

Yesterday made me realize how much I want to be a mom. How much I want to change this world. To raise my children to be kind. To teach them that this world is surprising and yes, many times dissappointing, but that they have the opportunity to make it a better place.

Maybe my 3rd grade dream to change the world is starting to take shape.

Oh and as it happens I was subbing at the very school where I had that first thought.

Peace. Love. Evolve.

~HM~

Home

Don't you just love Fall? It is absolutely one of my favorite times of the year. It's an ending and a beginning. An ending to the passing year and a look ahead to a whole new one with "no mistakes in it, yet." Happy November!

~HM~

Oh Pandora how you know me so! 

Well I'm so sad tonight

And the words won't come out right

It's been a long day on the track

And its stamina that I lack

 

So won't you run to me tonight?

Tonight we could pretend that we're just lovers

But I'll only ever be a middle distance runner

 

Well my heart is beating hard

And I'm off with a shot at the start

And my legs tremble from strain

But by the finish line I am drained

 

So won't you run to me tonight?

Tonight let's not talk about next summer

Cause I'll only ever be a middle distance runner

 

Well I'm so proud tonight

Of the woman you've become

And I'm just too tired to fight

So my darling, I'll succumb

 

But you'll have to run to me tonight

Tonight I will love you forever

But I'll only ever be a middle distance runner

 

Middle Distance Runner-Sea Wolf

Although, I guess my tastes aren’t all that hard to figure out. I’m kinda predictable actually. Put a cute sweater on a guy, some perfectly fit dark denims, give him some messed up tousled hair, have him strum on his guitar, and sing some lovely li’l lyrics about love and loss and whatnot and somesuch and gosh, I’m all yours. Or at least I’ll pretend I am and then run away. It’s what I do. There’s this really funny idea Mel, Hil and I have for this most awesome engagement/wedding scene that I’m gonna write. It’s so flippin’ hilarious and tragically true. Hehe….

 

Anyway, back to whatever random I was typing. Got distracted by myspace, Pandora, itunes and facebook oh and blogspot. Shit, I have a lot of windows open. So I decided all these baby-blogs I’ve been posting should really be going to my blogspot. I should do more with that. Today at work between the books, and patrons, and computers and cards I found all kinds of adorable fashiony cute gal blogs and totally got lost in that world and it made me wanna update my blogspot.

 

If I do, will you come read it? Yes, you. You right there. Cause I think you’re swell. And maybe you have some time to kill and wanna read whatever crazy crap I have to say. I’d love to read the crazy crap you have to say as well. Afterall, we are friends. And I’m sure I think you’re sexy and that your words are sexy and that your funny is sexy. Yes. Most definitely. I TOTALLY think your funny is sexy. I full heartily agree with every inch of my being that your funny is sexy. I believe funny is the best kinda sexy there is.

 

Okay I’ll stop hitting on you know. Gosh I’m a slut.

 

Actually that’s a lie I’m not a slut. Some might say a prude. But I’m not that either. Others may say a tease. And they might be right. Or maybe not. We’ll never know. Or I’ll blog about that topic tomorrow and then you will. We’ll see. Or not. Or...you know. Okay enough with the ridiculousness.

 

Also, back to original thought that spurred this blog in the first place: Sea Wolf.

 

I am in LOVE with this band. And I don’t use the word “love” willy-nilly . Something about the song “Middle Distance Runner” has captured my heart and it just won’t let it go. I could listen to it for a thousand years on repeat and forever be happy.

 

I love you song.  You are the song for me. I know what you're thinking, I fall in love with songs ever other week, but I think this may be it song. Cause you are pleasant, and fun, and perfect and flawed, and maybe you could love me back? Don’t answer me right now song. Think about it. Marinate on it. And maybe we could have something, you know.

 Okaybye.

~HM~

Didn't know what you were made of
Color of your blood what you're afraid of
Are you made of calcium or are you carbon based
Cause if you're made of calcium I'll have to take a taste
Calcium is deadly, but tender to the tooth
But it's one sure-fire way to know if you're mx-missile proof
Or if you're just aloof

Have you ever heard the first 10 seconds of a song and know you were in love? Haha..okay I bet you think you know where this one is going, but I’m really talking about an actual song this time and not metaphors for hearts and love and boys, but an actual song.

The song is “MX Missiles” by Andrew Bird, and gosh I’m in love! I don’t even know what it is about it but it was the first song to pop up on my Andrew Bird Pandora Playlist and I was like hold the phone, what is this beautifulness streaming into my life right now?! And so after thanking Matt on his wall I had to immediately download it from iTunes.

I really want to download the whole CD or all of his CD’s but I restrained myself to this one perfect song for right now. I mean not only is it more than enough to feed my heart at the moment but it’ll give me a chance to marinate and swim and bathe in its loveliness before wading through more greatness. Not sure my heart could take like 12 tracks of pure awesome love, ya know? Also, money, it’s a good thing to save.

But seriously, this song, download it now and fall in love with me.

Also, random side note: I’m gonna write a self-help book and its gonna flippin’ rockawesome. Seriously. Its gonna be so ridiculous and silly and fun and dumb and I think somewhat doable. Haha…so yeah. That’s me, that’s what floating around the ol’ cranium at the moment.

Hope you have the most stupendously lovely of Tuesdays today my friends and family. May it hold some grand adventures big and small. May you laugh with all your might when you think of a fond memory or when something catches you off guard. May the day job fly by so that you can get back to the things you love to do for pleasure. May you feel that you’ve accomplished many great things and felt you’ve helped make humanity and this world a better place even in the smallest of smiles, gestures and actions.

Yup.

~HM~

Love is like the perfect song. You’re like the perfect song.

You’re asking if my love will grow. I don’t know. I don’t know.

I can’t live with or without you.

Nothing compares to you.

You’re so special, so fucking special.

Wait! They don’t love you like I love you.

I hope this song will guide you home.


I want to get my heart broken.

I’m talkin’ epic heart break. Feels like the world will end heart ache and hurt and sad and pain. Broken. Heart. Yup.

What a weird thing to say, no? But it’s true! I cannot tell a lie. Okay, that’s a lie. I very much can tell a lie. A very convincing lie. But I’m not lying right now. I really would LOVE to get my heart broken. Okay, maybe not today. Maybe tomorrow. Or in a week. Or twelve. Don’t really have a timeline for such things, but it sorta, kinda feels like it’s time for such things to happen to me. Cause I’d like to eventually move on from the whole angst and pity and despair and hurt of heartache and then I can fall in love and be all la-dee da hi I’m happy and in love, oh and marriage and babies and what have you.

Okay so maybe that’s a lie too. I don’t know if I want marriage and babies and what have you. But love. Sure. Sounds fun. They sure like to base ever single art form around it. So I guess it’s like a universal feeling of awesome.

So what’s brought on all this heartbreak talk? Well, I’ve actually thought that heartbreak would be a good thing to have for quite awhile now. I just think as an actress, writer, person that maybe, just maybe, it’d be a good life lesson-y thing or something.

Now don’t get me wrong, I think I’ve kinda had my heart…bruised. I guess that would be a good word for it. Bruised.

How I tend to think of love or being in love or the big I love you is that it’s like the PERFECT song. Like every single thing about this song is just so damn accurate. And you can’t believe your ears that you’ve never, ever heard this song before. Like how did you go this long with never having heard this song?! It’s quite preposterous that of all that possible moments you could have heard this song but didn’t, that now is the time you hear it. And you’re all giddy and happy and you have this secret and you can’t help but smile because this is your song. Just yours. Made just for you. It’s so AMAZING! And you’re like man, I’m the luckiest person alive. I get it. This is love.

That’s what love seems like it might be about. And see, me, I’m at the track name. I have the song title and there’s so much potential about what this wonderfully titled song could be about, I mean the possibilities are endless. You just happened to read this lovely little title and its like yay! Who knows what could happen?

So maybe I’ve listened to two whole songs. And one was like “ouch!” Burn. Suck. Man that kinda backfired. And just totally proved my point! I’m gonna be alone FOREVER! Or…err…I mean, damn that song sucked. And then like the other one was like hmm…take a chance, and was like whoa. Awesome! What?! Where did that come from?! That was random and awesome and yay! And then was like poof, bye!

Okay…so maybe love isn’t the song, but love is the album and life is-wait, no, life is the album and the tracks are the experiences and each song represents the stages of…Oh fuck it. I’m all metaphor-lost. Point is I’ve never been in love and want to get my heart broken. But really that’s a lie cause who wants their heart broken? Huh? A person who’s never had her heart broken that’s who. But I’m sure maybe that’s something that if you could avoid it you would, right? Or not. I don’t know. And I’m an insomniac again/forever/always. And listening to lots of songs on my iPod. And I saw Watchmen and Dr. Manhattan was all Laurie you’re a miracle cause of all the possible yous that could have been you, you’re really this you and this you is a miracle. And I was like awe cute.

The end.

PS-So there’s this rockawesome song I’ve been listening to lately…

~HM~

Who doesn’t long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I’m on my own
If there’s a soulmate for everyone

Oh man…so I have this sneaking suspicion in life that I am the Diane Lane character. The attractive, independent, intelligent, witty, funny woman for whatever reason is ALONE! She usually gets the guy in the end. So if that’s the role I must play I will take it. I will fall madly in love with a man with a dog who at first I can’t stand. Hopefully he looks like John Cusack. I will totally be Unfaithful and fall in love with sexy sex on fire exotic shy smart man. I will totally spend a night in Rodanthe. Of course 2 out of 3 of these movies end in death! Like seriously, I thought “Must Love Dogs” was a rom-com?!

Guess I was wrong.And funnily enough the very first music video that came on VH1 Jump Start was a song called “Soulmate” by Natasha Bedingfield. It was pretty darn cute. The above lyrics made me smile. And so in the video they show all these happy lovely dovey couples kissing all flippin’ sexy style and so Natasha is singing her heart out about why is she alone when there are so many people and then she steps out into the light in her pretty dress and she looks up and smiles. At this point I notice, oddly, that there are a lot of dark costumed extras in the background. Hmm…and then there is white ladder. She steps forward, touches her fingertips to ladder and is about to climb. Blurry fade. End of video. SHE DIES?!?!?!?!?! Are you KIDDING me?! Okay so apparently I’m gonna die before I find love. Or the love of my life is gonna die.

Either way that doesn’t bode well.

I jest of course.

This morning (PS-Lunesta is NO match for my insomnia. I woke up 3 hours later!) my Pop was brewing coffee so thought I’d get me a little cup. And I notice he’s pouring two cups. And immediately I go “Awe!” Cause yeah, that’s just cute. But then I think, but is mom still in bed? Cause the lights are all out. And so he sneaks back into the room and says “Joe, its almost five, your alarm didn’t go off.” As I’m walking by to the back room I glance in and poor ma is all in her pj’s headed to the bathroom. And it just made me smile that my Pop had her very black hot coffee at the ready to help her catch up on her day. It was pretty much the cutest thing ever.

Except for that one time when they were fighting over pillows in bed. Cause they each have 3 huge-normous pillows. Except my Mom has one extra she sneaks by. And I guess my Pop stole it and they were playfully arguing. “No, we both have three pillows. Give me my fourth one back!” haha…Yeah, so the bar is set really high. I’ve grown up with two amazing parents. I know what true love looks like. Works like. Its cute and funny and flippin’ rockawesome.

So yeah…I might have high expectations or whatever but if I ever do find it I kinda hope I don’t die before it starts to get really good. Haha…kidding…I think.

~hm~

Johnny Flynn- “The Wrote and the Writ”

You wrote me, oh so many letters
And all of them seemed true
Promises look good on paper
Especially from you, from you

The weight of all those willing words
I carried all alone
You wouldn’t put your pen to bed
When we hadn’t found our own, our own

Your sentences rose high at night
And circled round my head
The circle’s since been broken
Like the priest before me is breaking bread

I’m being asked to drink the blood of Christ
And soon I’ll eat his flesh
I’m alone again before the alter
Shedding all my old regrets

The love of my life Jamie B introduced this man to me and the moment I put this CD in my car I fell in love. I seriously haven’t made it past tract 2 because it is AMAZING. And I do mean that with a capital AMAZING.

If I had any tears in me to cry, I would. I’ve had this song on constant repeat and I just get in this mood. I immediately feel a sadness but also something more. I kind of feel a good cry coming on. Which is silly for a girl who doesn’t cry. But I feel that if I watch “Aurora” (by the wonderful Leonard Madrid), listen to this song on repeat and think about the sadness of humanity I could squeeze out a few tears. But probably not.

Especially that whole sadness of humanity part. Cause humanity does make me sad on so many levels when I really think about it. But when I’m sitting at a desk with 5 little toddlers and I’m teaching them how to count and about colors, there is no sadness. There is curiosity, honestly, love. There is the little boy that was putting together a fire truck puzzle and when I asked him what a fire truck does he made a wailing fire engine sound that was quite accurate in its imitation. It made me laugh out loud. There is the adorable precocious girl next to me who loved my boots and ring and hair. There is the lovely little gal with the long golden locks who just couldn’t get enough of story time and kept inching closer and closer ready to jump into the world of the book. There is the quietness of snack time where we shared a cup of apple juice and granola bars. And I told them that apple juice reminds me of childhood. And they all looked at me with an understanding that yes we know what you mean.

When I’m surrounded by moments like these, with friends that are awesome, and with family that is truly one of a kind I can’t feel sadness. And there is a comfort in that. And maybe, just maybe, the world really isn’t all that bad off.

~hm~

This postsecret really made me smile today. I just love the sheer honesty of it. And also the acknowledgement of oh my! Ah shit! Oh fuck! I love you. Haha…it’s like, okay let’s stop denying ourselves and playing the games and just…yeah.

I kind of have the feeling that I’m gonna be like this when I eventually one day far, far into the future maybe possibly one day fall in love. It’ll be a very “Oh fuck. I love you.” It’ll be an epiphany moment. And I’ll have to first admit it to myself and have a good long look in the mirror and be like, “Whelp, Heather, you’re in love. Get over it. Admit it. Go say it.” And then I’ll have to go tell the person. And that’ll be funny.

Heather: Hey uh, so um…Fuck. I love you.
Louie: (laughs) Thank you?
Heather: You’re welcome. Hey lets go watch a movie!
Louie: Oooh! Yeah! You have to pay though. As you’re so obviously in love with me.
Heather: I knew there was a downside.
Louie: I’ll get the popcorn and soda.
Heather: (laughs) Okay then.

So yeah, if you love someone you should definitely tell them when you’re ready. Hopefully that person makes you smile and laugh. Hopefully they take your breath away when you kiss. Not literally of course. That’d be bad. I hope you smile every morning that you get to wake up next to them. And miss them when you are apart. I hope that you still get butterflies and shivers when your other runs their fingers through your hair. I hope that you get to grow old with the love of your life. I hope that you get to sit on your porch underneath the stars and discuss art and life and when you were 28 and first met. I wish you all the best in the world with your love. May you find them and feel so passionate that you just want to say “Oh fuck. I love you.”

~hm~

(Image via postsecret.com)

Playground Antics

There was once a girl. She was always a bit in love with the idea of love. Being the lovely little awkward thing that she was growing up, she didn't have the opportunity to really cultivate any pre-teen early life romances. She very specifically remembers a time in fourth grade when all the boys decided to chase the girls and smack them on the butt. This apparently sounded fun at the time and so off the girls ran to the side field and off the boys ran chasing after them. She remembers seeing all the boys chase after the popular girl and the second tier popular girls by association. She knew in her mind that even though she hung out with everyone in class and that she was generally liked by all, her glasses, knobby knees and general little girl awkwardness would prevent her from getting lots of smacks on the butt. But then her sorta friend and friend of the popular group, a soccer player and nice guy came up and smacked her on the bottom. She laughed and went screaming off on the sunny playground. Happy to feel included. In her 9 year old mind she knew that it was a pity butt smack but appreciated none the less.

One day the girl grew up. She got braces, contacts and by the middle of her college years at the very fun age of 21 she finally felt like she grew into her features. By the time she turned 24 she felt beautiful. She loved every aspect of her body, she felt very proud of her hips, her lips, her imperfections, her quirks. When she looked in the mirror on a sometimes rare day of extraordinary self awareness she felt alive, connected and gorgeous. She felt like she had a secret waiting to tell the world. Like a laugh was right under the surface waiting to come out. There was a light in her eyes and smile tickling her lips. Today was indeed a glorious and gorgeous day.

Maybe today was the day that a nice young guy would notice her. Notice that want and need to be included. To get a pity smack on the butt cause it was the nice thing to do. Cause it was appreciated, because why the hell not, she does after all have a very nice ass. Maybe today is the day that the guy she likes, that she shyly smiles at will notice her and smile back.

But, if not. That's okay. Its an attention that she doesn't need and if we're being really honest here is kinda scary. She has come this far without the very well placed and intended smack on the butt from the boys on the playground. Shes happy just swinging on the swings with them, discussing her answer for the science question that gave her trouble, holding a door open for them, letting them have an occasion short cut in line to make one feel special. She happy being a friend. Its easy. Its comfortable. Its what she knows.

Maybe one day one of the boys will break away from the pack, from the marauding herds of boys on the playground. He will take a chance and single her out. He will come across the sandy playground, smile at her and she will smile back. And right when she is about to introduce herself he will very deliberately smack her firmly on the ass and run away waiting to be chased by her.

~hm~

Flirtation..Revisited.

About 6 seconds ago I deleted all of my previous posts. I realized that commenting on another friends blog would inevitably lead others to my blog and my seriously silly ramblings. And believe me, they were seriously silly. Mostly about boys. Boys of summer. Boys of fall. Boy oh boy. And bleh blah. I figure it’s a new month and a clean slate as they say. Which ironically, is the month of February. Go figure.

So here we are ol’ friend. I have a clean page open and the keyboard and world is mine to observe and type. I have been in serious Sex and the City Marathon Mood. So feeling a bit Carrie Bradshaw at the moment. What an amazingly awesome show it is. A bit cheese and some very bad song and costume choices, but those were very far and few between. I got through all of Season 3 and about two episodes away from completing Season 4. And sadly that is where it ends. My sisters’ collection that is. Le sigh…

And what an amazing span of two seasons to watch in 3 days. They are the “Aiden Episodes” as I like to call them. That oh so perfectly perfect guy that gets his heart broken by Carrie. I seriously just heart that character so. Although you can’t blame a girl for being scared of the big to-do. He really is just so incredibly charming, rugged and sexy. Double Le sigh…

And then the season ends with the oh so great episode with Big leaving and the “Moon River” song and the goodbye ol’ New York.

It really is funny how nostalgic I’ve become for New York lately. It really makes absolutely no sense, for seriously. I visited the place twice and kind of didn’t like it at all. I guess being in the City like straight off Time Square in a shifty hotel doesn’t show it off in its best light but I don’t know… Lately, I just think maybe I should give it a second look. Because as I watch the love Carrie has for her City, and when I sit at my sisters’ computer at 8am watching the Today Show sipping coffee out of my moms I <3 NY mug, I can’t help but think, wow I want to be there. And as I sip hazelnut coffee out of my mug on Sunday morning watching the morning show, reading the Sunday New York Times, I feel connected to something greater than me.

And although I’m having a revisited flirtation with New York at the moment, I’m waiting to give my heart to London. Because even though I’ve seen pictures and movies and read about you in books, I just really can’t wait to see you for myself. I think it really might be love.

~hm~